Cigar Smoke version 9.8.1 (part 3a)

What keys I wondered? I still didn't quite believe what was happening to be true, but I was starting to become anxious. I could feel my heart a bit more acutely in my chest, my senses heightened, on alert. I had no idea what these keys looked like, where they could be, are they even real keys or is this some Lord of the Rings fantasy bullshit where the key is really symbolic to something else? Hoping they weren't some sort of Tolkien-ish nightmare as symbols have never been a strong skillset for me, I started searching for my old backpack. A voice in the back of my head that I hoped was my own, was warning me things were about to get crazy so it didn't hurt to have a "get the fuck out of Dodge" pack with me at all times. I grabbed the mandatory items such as socks, underwear, shirts, pants and one extra pair of shoes, I headed to the kitchen. Searching drawers, I find a compass, Swiss Army Knife, book of North American maps (pre War of Ages), and a flashlight. I get dressed in layers, and grab the first aid kit and my journal and lastly, my one book I never leave behind, Atlas Shrugged.

I put my earphones in and slip into the night, signs of dawn are slight in the far eastern view, the ocean roars angrily, the cries of grievances held for what we have done, how mankind destroyed earth, everywhere you turn, you see signs of destruction, signs of anger from within the animal kingdom. It almost makes glad we don't share the gift of language with the animals, I don't know if I could bear to hear their stories, their ancestor's history, their pain. I keep walking, the boardwalk missing planks every few yards or so, the salt eating away at the mostly neglected beach and boardwalk.

What could these keys mean? Why 9? Where would they be? How the hell do I find keys when I don't know what keys I am looking for?

All of a sudden, there was a roar, it was far away but travelling fast and fast towards me I might add. The roaring was becoming deafening, and I realized it was the ocean and the wind and that somehow in the last 30 seconds, a serious storm was brewed. There hasn't been a storm like this since the Age of Wars I thought, what the hell caused this one? Before I had time to contemplate the answer, I was being pelted with rain, and then slowly I realized, hail was starting to form, getting larger as the minutes went on. I knew my apartment was too far to get to, I had to find shelter elsewhere. I darted straight to the street to what looked like it was still standing and as luck has it, it looked like it was a pub, best shot of a fun time waiting out the storm. I broke in and shut the door, no signs of liquor but then there was always a closet of the shit hidden away somewhere. Looting through the bar, I notice a floorboard with a small crevice, and pull it, the door loosens and underneath a small cellar.

Taking out my flashlight, I jump down the 3 feet and look around, bottles and bottles of liquor. I can taste the sweet whiskey on my tongue, warm after a cold and dreary day. I grab a bottle and climb back up behind the bar. Grabbing a stool, I take out my notepad and take a sip of Crown Royal. Suddenly behind me I hear a soft whisper, almost a cackle, I turn around and the voice is in front of me, turning forward again, the voice again jumps.

"This isn't funny, just come out, I'll share my whiskey, come on, we can both hide out the storm here." No one answers me.

Maybe I am losing my mind I think, it's been a long day.

"Heh, hiding out from the storm, you think you are safe because you are partially underground?? You have no idea!" The voice cackles in the background, but still I see no one, the voice evading my sight completely.

"Who are you? This isn't funny! Come on out!" I feel my shoulders tense up and I begin to wonder what this is, that this spider has gotten me into.

"Well, well. It seems you do have some brains in y'eh! It seems to be me, you just caught on a wee bit with that last bit about the spider."

'Well yeah but I don't know if ….. waait a minute?! I didn't say that out loud, did I? No, no I KNOW I didn't. What the hell was that??" I stammered and all of a sudden I can hear my heart beating louder than the sound of the storm raging outside the pub.

"Ach, you'll get used to er, this is still new I know. Take a minute and then we'll talk."     

With that, out of the far corner of the pub, appears an old man, dressed in old Londoner garb from the 1940's. A full breasted suit, black with very thing white pinstripes so faint, you barely notice them. He had on a white dress shirt stiff with cornstarch. A sharp purple tie adorned his neck, fitting in nice with the jacket and shirt and finally a black fedora with a matching purple ribbon around the base of the hat. He had the most delicious smelling cigar hanging from his mouth, old spice wafted through the air. This man reminded me of a kindly old school mobster, and yes I do believe mobsters can still be kindly, hell the world as we knew it is gone, so what the hell, I figured why not drop the stereotypes.

The man took the stool beside me, grabbed a scotch glass and filled it one-quarter full.

He spoke, "So you are the keyseeker, never would have imagined the likes of you but you look like you'll learn quickly and that'll do, that'll do."

I shook my head and stuttered, "I'm the, the … keeyseek, uhm the keyseek, eeker"

The old man laughed, "Oh, hah hah hah, yeah oh I do like these virgin questers, hah hah."

"I don't get it. How can I be the keyseeker, what the hell is that? Oh wait, wait!! Is this about those 9 keys? You know what this all about???!!" I shook my head, the fog of surprise lifting; I begin to think that maybe this spider thing has some merit? When did I turn psychic oddball?? Maybe some of that nuclear warfare did get to me?

"Let me go with you, we must leave right away, I can explain the 9 keys on the way." The old man spoke breaking my reverie.

"I uhm but I don't know you, can't we talk about this fir .."

"There is NO time, we must depart now and quickly I might add." The old man interrupted.

Deciding I had no other options, I shoved the glass bottle of that very familiar friend, my dear Crown Royal into my backpack, strapped it on and said "Let's go."

With that, the old man started towards the back of the pub, "There's a backdoor this way, leads to the alley, more sheltered from the storm."

…. To be continued

Cigar Smoke version 9.1 (part 2)

"If you don't listen to the spider, the world, or rather what's left of it is doomed." The old woman said, and then pulled a battered metal cigarette case from her shawl, the silver tarnished from years of use. She pulled out two cigarettes and offered me one. Remembering my smoke free days pre-war, I took the cigarette, pulled out my scuffed Zippo lighter and lit the gypsy's cigarette and mine.

I took a drag and stared the woman in her dark probing eyes.

"So what you are saying is that I need to listen to some hallucination dream of a spider, some dream that somehow was a message. A message I have no idea about. That's what you are saying? Because that to me would lead me to think that you are probably just a bit delusional? You think?"

The woman just smiled eerily towards me and said;

"Mock if you will but if I were you, I'd get my doubting Thomas ass out of my head and figure out that dream you keep talking about, because if you don't the world, as I SAID, is doomed."

The gypsy then turned away and walked off into the smoky distance, leaving scuffled footprints in the street.; the street that was once a famous square that is now sullied with dirt, trash and a layer of grime. The absent society, the lack of street cleaning, the spoilt remainders of human activity show on every street and corner.

I stood there, hands in my pockets, watching the woman become smaller and smaller and finally disappear into the black night. So, somehow the end of the world is upon us and the irony? The fate rests on my shoulders?! For sure God was good and stoned when he rolled those dice this turn around. Ok, so wondering how my half-assed, mediocre effort that I managed before the world lost 4.5 billion people would help me figure this insanity out. Was I actually considering listening to a silent spider hallucination?

I returned to my leaking dungeon I called home and sat on my tan Lazy Boy recliner, looted after the bombing stopped and turned my lone treasure on, a battered iPod, sparingly used as electricity, needed for charging was fickle, very fickle. I closed my eyes and tried to think of what this could mean? Am I losing my mind? I decided to pretend this to be real and at least try, what harm could this do? The whiskey must have soured, maybe because these insane illusions, so alive one moment, gone like a wisp of my cigar smoke the next.

I opened my eyes and realized it was dark out, I must have fallen asleep, I reach over and grab my cigarettes, lighting one I notice a shadow move over in the corner. Squinting to adjust my eyes in the dark, I hear a voice, ever so quiet creep from the back corner of the room.

"You must find all the keys, find them all and the world will not fall to it's knees and beg to be ended, a mercy compared to what it will suffer."

Taking a long drag, my heart racing I edge closer, the chair on two legs, I see nothing! I shake my head, hoping maybe it is just my insomnia catching up.

"I know you think this can't be real, but I am and you must remember to find all the keys, there are 9, you mustn't just stand there, you don't have much time."

"Keys?? What keys? What do you mean? I don't understand." I started rambling, questions and doubts flowing out of my mouth.

"Just remember, trust yourself, only you have the answers. Find the 9 keys, you will know them, you have but days."

And with that the shadows in the back of the room were still, I knew the voice had gone. What do I do, what keys?

….To Be Continued

Speeding

I sit here completely given over to the other side, still awake when most people are fast asleep, comfy in their pairs of twos and within their duvets. I find it odd, that I finally do not know if I can handle the social scene, am I that much of an outcast? Am I really old, New York 40 year old women tell me I am not old, but that they are just the new 20's. Who to believe? Everyone around me? Or my inside gut?

Can this really be it for my young years?? My fantastic 20's over in 3 years?? I imagined when I first turned 18 that I would live for years being able to dance blindly into the morning, arms around my new best friend stepping out into the cold January morning to greet the new year. Now I find I want to hide in perhaps the year 2005 and wait for each new year to come out and greet me instead.

Where do I belong? Does anyone ever really belong?? Is anything ever staid, or is it constantly changing, only visible when we choose to let loose the bandana around the eyes. Whoever thought I would change this much in 1 year, 6 motnhs even. The single events that turn the tide to change.

Sigh, are the 20s the new 40s? Does society put too much pressure to succeed on the younger generations?? Is this why the drug rate is up, and depression is rampant among today's 20 year olds? Could in our 20s, we be too emotionally unprepared to handle success?? Could we be too immature to be happy with what some 40s would die to have??

Were we too spoiled, our lives too normal, too comfortable?? Do we not see what we have is fantastic, that we succeed and receive promotions and benefits so much younger and faster??

Perhaps, humans aren't meant to evolve too quickly. The last 100 years have been like nothing in recorded history. (That I know of at least.) Our learning curve has pretty much been a straight mile-high line in the air. 180 bloody degrees. I mean how old will my iPod be that I just got last month in a few months? So hey, maybe if society slowed down a bit, learned to smell the fucking roses, hey maybe we would all have time to celebrate, contemplate, and feel our happiness.

That’s Just Fabulous

3/24/2006

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous!

-Carrie Bradshaw in "Sex and the City"

Blank and Random

7/6/2009

I sit here and stare at my forgotten mistress
Those long hours into the dark night,
Words spilled so quickly, passions swirled around in my mind.

And now, oh even as I think of now,
The words slowly slip from my grasp, walking backwards into the tunnel
Oh the tunnel, so long and dark before the light.

I long for the days of passion, of fire
Of ability, of want
The days before apathy and shoulders wore on,
The days before you.

Now even I am missing, wandering the paths we walked
Images and words crushing my soul, one second later
Dreams, the future, everything I knew,
Was wrong.

My mind goes blank once more
Random thoughts, always the same ending
Blank ...

Cigar Smoke version 8.9 (Part I) – Working Title

I sit here staring blankly at the screen, fingers hovering above the keys, I stare so blindly, so numbly at the little white letters, the "R" starting to wear at the top, and I wonder. How did I get here? How did things become so strange? So foreign? Every step an unsure event, carefully planning where next to flee, so you don't become caught unaware. How did it all go so wrong? I look up at the clock, it stares 03:13 back at me, almost threatening me with it taunts of alarm clocks going off in just a few hours. I stub out my cigar and watch as it body crumples under my violence and it reminds me of the night a spider foretold of this all, warned me, only I didn't listen. I thought myself crazy, I mean a spider revelation?? It was only a dream right? A mere waking dream of a crazy insomniac.

It came to me on a winter night, the air frosty, and the wind loud at the windows. I was about to fall asleep when the spider dropped from the ceiling, stared into my eyes, though I got the feeling its gaze went far beyond my eyes. I froze momentarily and then jumped out of bed into the cool, damp air of my dungy basement suite deep in Brooklyn. (Since the War of Ages, there hasn't been much of anything in New York or anywhere on the eastern seafront of North America, or what was formerly known as North America anyhow, I don't think it has much of a name now.) I turn the light on, shake my head and though the spider is gone, there is an energy like I have never felt; it is like a body was beside though no one was. I didn't know what it meant at the time, how could I? I never did quite sleep well that night. The next week, the spider was there, nagging at me, I tried to drown it in a glass of whiskey I looted from an old convenience store; it just seemed to illuminate the memories.

It was a week after the dream when I ran into a rather gypsy looking old woman, she seemed out of the stories of my youth; grey hair wrapped in a dirty blue bandana, eyes watering, voice course with age and trauma no human should ever bare. She was staring at me while I meandered through an old store once known for its famous clientele. She started following me, whispering my name over and over and over again. Startled and suddenly frightened I quickened my pace through the destroyed aisles, trying to distance myself from this seemingly psychic woman. I darted around a corner and ran straight into the woman. Frightened and confused, I faltered and she spoke "You must not ignore the message. You must heed the spider."

I snapped out of shock and managed a weak "What?"

"If you don't listen to the spider ….

 

……. To Be Continued

Batman had a dual personality problem too ya know

I know, I know! I haven't exactly done 30 days all in a row. BUT I still will post 30 I promise, hopefully before 2010!!

I feel like Bruce Wayne torn between two paths in life, two faces, two sides, two groups of close confidantes. If I reveal my two sides to any one person, life becomes more difficult, harder, less good even. So like Batman hurt in his more personal side of life, I retreat, become almost hermit like. Ironic even, because it is now that I live in a small, cramped and particularly "cold" cave.

Why this sudden dramatic take on my life you ask? Simply, I have no fucking idea!!! It comes and it goes, waves crashing down on my shores, and more than often these days, taking me out. I come back up always later, and the I am fine and dandy and then out of nowhere, CRASH and it of course being a wave!!

So lately I have been trying to make the wave's job harder. Sooooo ... I have been trying to take control of my life, one area in particular: Not feeling like I have to say yes

This afternoon:

I realized that I took control in a small area and it made me feel kinda proud, happy. You see, I am off every second Friday and on this last particular Friday I checked my work email from home. I saw that a colleague, whom I get along with just fine, and like for sure, had asked a favour. It was not an urgent favour nor one that could not be performed by at least two others in the department. Had this been a month ago, I would have gone and got my fob, logged into the program from home and helped. But this past Friday, nope I sure did not go and get my fob, no siree, (always wanted to post no siree) I said: sorry I am off work, gave two names that could assist and then proceeded to log off.

I realize that this seems like slow progress but it is progress nonetheless so I suppose I should be happy and see this as positive. Hard for an impatient crab such as me!

Later the same day....

Then I am home and searching Facebook and see a status that makes me smile and then makes me sad at the same time. I won't say too much on a public forum, just that I miss the "old days" a bit and I KNOW I need to move on, and I am (slowly) but it still hurts, still makes me feel sad, lonely, like I lost my best friend.

I am not sure why I felt the need to discuss my Batman-esque moods of the day. Perhaps it was the need to let my emotions loose, their waves of energy flying into the screen and instead of into my soul, perhaps I can let go, at least start to anyhow, through my words, whether they be on this flat screen staring me back in the face, or in my almond coloured, beautifully soft journal. They could be the start to a healing process.

Day 3 - When words fail, music speaks

Ah music!! The love of my life!! Those who know me, know that I live and die for music, live, on my iPod, in the car, at work, at home!! Ah, though I must admit, my favorite place to listen to music, is laying on my beach chair, the gorgeous almost surreal Waikiki sun in the air, the sand swirled in and amidst my toes. The volume on my iPod just high enough to hear the music, so that the sound of the surf, and that happy buzz of sound that you really only hear in places such as beaches, is not blocked out.

Ah but I digress! And as I am tired tonight and wish to head to bed with my music in tow, I leave you with some quotes. Which for music were very hard to pick, it was like I was a child going through all these new toys after Christmas deciding which ones to play with first and there were so many good ones that you just couldn't pick and would be wracked with indecision, finally to pick one and wish you had started playing with another one first because well there were so many good things??

Well this is how reading about music (and listening to it at times) feels for me. So many good quotes that resonate so well within, but I put the blindfold on, spun around 3 times and picked and here they are (*ahem* drumroll please .....)


"It occurred to me by intuition, and music was the driving force behind that intuition. My discovery was the result of musical perception." (When asked about his theory of relativity) - Albert Einstein

Music is the hardest kind of art. It doesn't hang up on a wall and wait to be stared at and enjoyed by passersby. It's communication. It's hours and hours being put into a work of art that may only last, in reality, for a few moments...but if done well, and truly appreciated, it lasts in our hearts forever. That's art. Speaking with your heart to the hearts of others. ~Mr. Dan Romano

"Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness, gaiety and life to everything. It is the essence of order and lends to all that is good and just and beautiful." ~ Plato

AND THE TRUEST OF ALL: "Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." -Red Auerbach

Day 2 "In a perfect world, every dog would have a home and every home would have a dog."

Well what is there to say really?? I guess I will talk about my dog, make sense right?? Ha!! Well my dog, Gracie, she is 13 now and still going strong though deaf. The irony of my dog being deaf!!! I believe she actually is using this to her advantage. You see my dog was always a well-trained, well-behaved dog. One of the best and I truly am not just saying that BUT then she started to get old and now she is deaf, so she begs a retarded amount!!! Stares so intently, innocently at you but you just know she is plotting her quest to food scraps. And now seeing as she is deaf, she can't hear you yelling at her to get out of the kitchen, stop begging, go to your room!! (Yes she has her own room, which if a person she is not too familiar with enters, she will follow the person and sit in there until they leave.)

But we make do, her and I, you see I figure since I have horrible hearing and awful ears, we have a new bond, the dog and I. We have developed this sign language (I did already teach her hand signals when she was a puppy, things such as; sit, lie down, stay etc.) and she now knows when to scram, when to stay, though I have to admit that for obvious reasons, come here is still a challenge since you need to call her when she is out of eye sight, but alas, life hands my pup and I lemons, we make some damn lemonade (maybe a wee splash of tequila haha!)

Oh the memories dog, the batteries you loved to eat, the soap bubbles you loved to lick, the loyal as ever, excited everytime to see you no matter how the day was!!!

Ah but I figure she was so good and well she's old, I mean she is 91 after all!! So she can beg all she wants, sleep all she wants, be loved all she wants and well have her moments of frustration (she has little pig sounding snorty noises when the little dog bugs her or she doesnt want to stay when you tell her) all she wants!!

So yeah I guess that ramble advised you that ..... yup you got it, Today's I Love .... About Life says that today, (and everyday) I LOVE my damn dog!!! Not going to lie, she is pretty rad, yup!!

To Gracie my puppy!! May you live a few years longer in health my puppers!!

And I leave you with two dog quotes:

"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . . suggest that he wear a tail." - Fran Lebowitz

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." - Gene Hill

Day 1 - Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.

The Things I Love About Life Project (for now, though a better name shall be created) has begun. 30 Days and so 30 Things I Love About Life.

Quote in title from Arthur Helps

Day 1: Reading

Ah reading, what can I say about reading that won't make it feel cheesy, trite or gasp, lame! Well, probably nothing but write on I shall. I love how nothing but a good story encased between between two covers can whisk you away from life and into the protagonist's so quickly. The way an author can tailor the plot so as to so immerse you with his words in worlds of fantasy, crime, dragons and forests, love and history. The list goes on and on.

“To read a writer is for me not merely to get an idea of what he says, but to go off with him and travel in his company.” - Andre Gide

I would be at a loss in life if I were unable to read the stories upon which I devote some much time and energy. And in return, I gain a peace, a peace that comes from knowledge, from experience, the satisfaction that only a good story can really give.

“To read is to fly: it is to soar to a point of vantage which gives a view over wide terrains of history, human variety, ideas, shared experience and the fruits of many inquiries.” - A.C. Grayling

Julia squared, cooking and lemons

I am watching Julia and Julia and it inspired me to stop denying my lack of inspiration in regards to my writing, so here I am. Sunday morning, a fresh cup of coffee beside me, legs under my very warm and cozy blankets writing on my laptop. I admit, my writing today is lacking zest, but I at least have a purpose here today!!

I have a new project!! For one month, I am going to find one thing I love about life and post it (with an accompanying photo of course) on my blog.

Why am I doing this you might ask? Well simply because I think I need help remembering that even though there seems to be lemons in life frequently, quite often if you just look a little past that dancing lemon taunting you (well at least my lemon dances while he taunts, not sure what your lemons may or may not do), anyhow, if you just look past the bugger, there is always a bottle of tequila waiting to help you through those lemons. ;)

- Lil One

Am I the new Scotch? - October 14, 2009

Maybe I'm like a scotch. I'm not that cooler or cheap beer that everyone is drawn to, but that doesn't have substance. Men seem to be drawn to me at first, they think they can handle me, they smell me, swirl me around in their glass for a moment, try me, and then decide that, well, perhaps this isn't for them after all. Back to their "cheap beer." Do they come back later on? When they've realized that substance as well as the physical attributes are what makes an excellent drink and/or partner. The smoky taste, the strong yet enthralling aroma, a mature, and intelligent drink/person. A lasting and fulfilling relationship. That small difference enough to pay hundreds of dollars more for, enough to realize that beneath a hard exterior, there is a subtle taste that continues to linger on the edge of your senses, always calling you back for more.

Nafarious Pesky Mean Spirited Wasps - October 08, 2009

Well some might say I have an illogical fear of wasps. This is an understatement. I am absolutely petrified in the most illogical way of wasps. Yes, I do understand that I many times larger than a wasp, that I could "swat" them away (if I didn't believe this would infuriate the wasp to the point of an evil revenge style attack on me) and that even if I got stung (like that sounds even remotely OK) that I would survive as I have no allergies to wasps. I understand all this in the logical portion of my brain, HOWEVER, this does not even have a connection to the emotional, freak-out part of my brain. So here I am, 27 years on this earth, still terrified like a little school girl of wasps (and they are actually probably less terrified than me, both the aforementioned school girl and the wasps.)

An example of my ongoing battle with the wasps was a few days ago. I got home and was talking to my roommate when I noticed this evil little creature buzzing at the window by where her son's highchair was. I just about fainted and had a big uhm ah, yeah, uhm you need to, (insert sound of ferocious, angry buzzing) ack!!!!! Kill the ....eeeeep .... wasp.

So being the brave soul that I am, I ran to the other side of the kitchen and tryed to get my mind to stop FREAKING out and think of a plan!! Meanwhile, my roommate who is also not really a large fan of the angry buggers, is also trying to remain calm while her 2yr old is 189% braver than either of us and is pointing at it "What's that??"

So we wheeled her 1yr old and his highchair to the other side of the kitchen, attempt to move the 2yr old to a location somewhat far from the wasp, though to be honest, he looked quite a bit more calm than both me and the roomie put together.

We then devised a contraption to hold the malevolent creature in it's place until we can figure out how to remove him from the premise's (do we ever think of wasps as she's? I sure don't for some reason, hmmm.)

This is what we came up with:

You can actually see him all vile and large and trying to sting the window in contempt of his newfound prison!!

We then slipped a very thing cutting board under the contraption and hucked the device and it's vile prisoner outside and ran with a vengeance to the inside and proceeded to drink copious amounts of red wine!!!

PS What is the with the Wasp Woman at the top of the post? A Beautiful Woman by day, a Lusting Queen wasp by night? WTF!!! RIGHT?

Selfish - September 22, 2209

Selfish: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others selfish act>

Now this is the definition of Selfish according to Mirriam-Webster. This being said, I disagree with the or portion. Selfish technically is more arising from concern with one's own welfare. The advantage in disregard of others could arise from trying to satisfy one's selfish needs in the way one goes about it. I was hungry at lunch, I ate food, that was a selfish act as it was concerned with my own welfare. Did I eat in disregard of other's? You got it, no. Now I know you could say, there are starving children in Africa, yes there are. Does it make me a horrible person that I ate lunch? No. Would someone in Africa have eaten my perogies given the chance? Probably yes, but that still doesn't make me a bad person eating food in disregard of other's.

Back to the word selfish. It has become in modern society a word that has moral and ethical implications when in fact, it really isn't a moral issue at all. Humans and animals (hell I imagine all living creatures) look out for themselves, it is called survival. Even flowers will push past each other to get to the sun first. I saw it in Spain everyday, and it actually made the world a more beautiful place, seeing the flowers blooming everywhere and up high.

It is in how you go about surviving if you will, that adds the moral aspect to the word. Looking out for yourself should not be considered a bad thing. One needs to take care of number one. If everyone spent all their time making sure each other was ok and not themselves, the world would fall apart.

One last question then? If one does a good deed for someone and it makes them feel good, does that then make that person selfish and looking out for themselves at the cost of another? I mean they benefited from the good deed. You might even say they were concerned with their own welfare as helping people out tends to make you feel better about yourself?

Anyhow, that was my ramble, food for thought today!

Charity begins at home, right?!

Memories - September 2, 2009

So I've been thinking a lot about the past. Memories, memories of memories, wishing I was living those memories. Not any particular time frame, it's all time frames, anything I now long for, miss, ache for.

The loving touch moments, the sexy moments, the crazy good times with friends moments, the laugh so hard you just about pee (or maybe you do, who am I to judge) moments.

Why am so nostalgic, so drippingly pathetic about missing the good times? Perhaps tonight I realize, there just aren't that many good moments this past bit. And that something needs to change, I need to change something. What?? Well if you know, how bout letting me know? Ha.

Lil One

Pic to be posted later once home
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Painful Writing

I find writing these days almost painful, like I am squeezing part of my life out through my pores. It used to be quite easy, words and thoughts almost pouring out too fast, my fingers couldn't keep up.

What do you think? Does writing get harder as one gets older or do our standards just get higher??

Ranting Myself into a Void - August 26, 2009

I feel like I am in the middle of a life shift. People are leaving my life, I am forcing some out and I am left in the void between. I wander around this life with a purpose, at least a purpose that the world thinks is right if you will, but lately it doesn't feel like it's my purpose. I feel these days that there is more to life than working, paying debt, working, paying more debt, paying car payments, phone bills, credit card bills, the taxman, working, sleep. Repeat.

Is there something more to life than this?? I took a drive today to a provincial park and took a short walk and watched the sunset. I felt content in the moments preceding the sunset and wondered aloud to myself if we could even live simply again if we tried?

The world is so complex now, so connected. Have you ever ignored or turned off your phone for more than 24hrs and not been asked "Where were you? What were you doing? I couldn't reach you. Why didn't you call me? etc. etc."

We are so connected today that I believe we are losing touch as human beings in relation to each other. We talk for hours texting, emailing, facebooking etc., that we lose touch, literally.

Sometimes I just feel like I am falling. But into a void, no crash landing to break my bones or take my life, just floating aimlessly with an an apparent aim through the void our modern life has caused.

And yes I know this is somewhat hypocritical considering I am a large 'geek' if you will. With my iPod, my laptop, my xbox etc. but I just feel like it needs to take a backseat to the simple pleasures. How many people read almost daily? Weekly even? Besides websites, magazines and work related material? How many read for the pure joy of a story? Not even 100 years ago, this was one of the main forms of entertainment and now most people are proud that they haven't read a book in years. How sad I feel for them? Not knowing the pure joy of being sucked into a world that is not your own, standing beside strong protagonists fighting their battles, mental or physical. Drifting out of 2009 and into 1943 or 1867 or even as far back as 100 B.C.

I realize there was no real thread or theme to this post, just a bunch of discontent mumblings trying to piece together why it is that I feel so apathetic, so lost, so loathe to take part at times. What is it that gives me my drive? What gives you yours? What makes the world a happier place? Can the world be a happier place?

I end my rambling, incoherent post with lyrics from Dave Matthews:

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle between
what we see and what we do
Well I'm not going to change my ways
just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round about
this merry-go-round and around
Well If at all God's gaze upon us falls
it's with a mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
our emotions can be swept away
Forget about being guilty
we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

Late at night with TV's hungry child
his belly swells
Well, for the price of a coke or a smoke
I could keep alive those hungry eyes
Man, take a look again, take a look again
Eveyday things change
Basically they stay the same


Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
our emotions can be kept at bay
Forget about being guilty
we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
and your cup is overflowing
You seek up on emotion,
sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
for him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not
going, "Ha ha, ha ha"

(Say, oh say)

Oh look at me in my fancy car
and my bank account
Oh, how I wish I could take it all down
into my grave, God knows I'd save and save
Man, take a look again, take a look again
things you have collected, well in the end piles up
to one big nothing, one big nothing at all

Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
our emotions can be swept away
Intentions are not wicked, don't be tricked into thinking so
And soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
and your cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
for him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not
going, "Ha ha, ha ha"

Fall back again, fall back again
Fall back again, fall back again

Maybe "A Friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better ... " - August 19, 2009

Ever notice how when you are down in the doldrums, depressed and need a friend, a friend will generally want to be there (I say want loosely but that's another topic for another day ha) but if you are happy and just want to shout it out to the world or tell your friends, more would be less inclined to be there than inclined to it seems.Maybe it is like there is nothing to gain from it, or maybe it's the "well she/he/they are happy right now, not like they need me thought. Maybe it's a conscience thought, maybe not? Maybe I am way off base, BUT maybe there is a little truth to it?? Just saying ...


So with this thought in my head, I head off to the shower (as I just played soccer and am definitely not getting into bed in the condition I am in) and am about to clean my feet as the aforementioned soccer had well, they aren't clean let's say ha, and I notice that the bar in which you hold onto for your safety in the shower, is way low!! And let's face it, I am clearly not tall, not ever could you confuse me as such, so if I say it's too low, most people probably couldn't reach it without actually making the whole standing on a slippery service with water and soap (which well doesn't add grip) less safe. (See below picture, the shampoos etc. are about 3 inches below my shoulder. I now have a back spasm I partially blame on the shower. And let's face it, a lot blame on the Ultimate Frisbee last night plus 80mins of soccer tonight.)



I mean what gives??

- Lil One

Lungs and the Land of Nod - August 18, 2009

Well after much pleading and asking, I finally caved in to my friend and played Ultimate Frisbee today on her team as a sub today. And all I have to say is WOW am I ever out of shape. My strength is there, but I have absolutely no endurance and I am not even sure how I am still breathing, my cardio was so very, very VERY not present.

So that being said, after all the fun, beautiful fresh air and amazing sun (day 4 of summer weather here in Calgary) I bid you all goodnight and hit the sack. Tomorrow, I play soccer, so this very well could be my last post as my lungs will probably just decide to back out tomorrow when they realize I am running all night again.

Left Lung : Well here we are again. That doofus that contains us is about to run for another 50 minutes, what is she thinking here? We don't run now.

Right Lung: Not too sure here, wanna jet?

Left Lung: Yeah alright, I heard through the grapevine there are some pretty cool organ donors needed?

So I bid you adieu and head off to my beautiful and very comfy bed. Off to the land of Nod I go!!




- Lil One

I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do ... the day after - August 17, 2009

So I realized that I have been terribly lazy with my blog, always procrastinating till the last minute. So here I am writing again, and to be honest, I missed my blog, even as short as it has been around. Today I felt it absolutely crucial I pick up the pen, figuratively speaking that is, as I sit here typing this on a laptop. But nonetheless, here I am procrastinating on even starting an actual entry. Tis the Lil One style.

Today I write on a more somber note. I had a co-worker today who received some terrible news, that her mother only has 3 months to live. I have not in many years (13 to be exact) heard grief that real, that pained. It literally shook me to the core, I could feel her suffering deep within my heart. It made me realize life is so short, one second, you are sitting amidst all in your life, taking all you love for granted (sidenote: as we all do most days whether we think we do or not. Just assume that tomorrow, your friends and family will just be there for and with you, and tangent over.) and the next, with just one phone call, your life changes forever. Where no matter how hard you try, you cannot make sense of it, cannot understand how this could happen in your life. I doubt she will ever forget where she was when she first heard the news.



As Nietzsche said, "It is not so much the suffering as the senselessness of it that is unendurable."

So perhaps this is time for me to reflect^, that though there is much in my life right now I would change, perhaps I should count my blessings and be thankful that all my loved ones are still with me. And that perhaps life isn't quite the horror (or whore depending on your day) we imagine it is.

So take each day as it comes, try to breath in that air, tell all you love that you do love and appreciate them. (Yes I know, this is quite the little positive speech coming from me ha, but seriously.)

Cherish each moment with those you love, as life can pass by so quickly. A train speeding down a track in the middle of a mountain, green pine trees surrounding the dull iron, the rocky crags to the side. The night is a perfect black, the only sound the train`s lone whistle, the light from the engine is blurred as you stand and feel the lone messenger of the midnight hour.

Life is but a whisper, let the words flow!



- Lil One

Quick Random Driving Home Thought! - August 12, 2009

Today while driving home, a surreal thought pops into my head, what if I am not 27? I mean I know I am but you know, the thought that my insurance is cheaper, I can legally drink in all countries, I am an aunt. So weird being an aunt, I've always been the one ... well who had aunts. An odd tiny thought, but I couldn't shake it as the day went on, the fact I have been out of high school for 10 years coming up, that I have a career I can see direction to now. It feels almost eerie but I can see what I want to be when I grow up, at least for awhile anyhow.

Odd the thoughts that pop into your head while driving home on the back roads. That fresh air, beautiful scenery (the canola is blooming a very bright and gorgeous prairie yellow and the cows are out in droves munching their cuds full of grassy goodness!) - Lil One

Sometimes you need to look back - August 10th, 2009

Ever think that sometimes you need to just look back and reflect? Not dwell but remember that life hasn't been all that bad? I decided this past week I needed to remember the good things and some of the bad things and remember life is good and when it's not ..... well you need to get up, walk right up to the sorry bastard and kick him right in the balls!!

- Lil One

Ahoy!! Ducks and Blood Thirsty Children Ahead!!! - August 9, 2009

Well on Sunday, a friend and I decided to go rafting down the Bow seeing as the weather finally decided to man up and behave for at least the 3-4hrs we needed to float our way peacefully (and sometimes not so peacefully) down the river. So after we packed up two rafts, two coolers, two of the best chicks around and 2 oars into 2 cars (a day of 2's clearly), off we went from our town of Dodge to park car #1 at Prince's Island. 25mins later (and yup 1 detour) we arrived at Bowness park. After much spazzing around trying to inflate 2 (yup again) rafts and carry our stuff to the Bow from our far parking spot (well it wasn't that far),and our fighting with knots and 80 feet of rope, finally we were ready.

A dazzling afternoon, though hazy, with the mostly calm waters, lots of friendly rafters, we were settling in for a great afternoon.

Partway through we come across this "beach" and I definitely use the term losely with about 20 people packed on essentially a horizontal driveway. Why anyone would want to suntan and laze around on a driveway all day? You tell me!! Just as I go to forget about this crazy fake beach/driveway business, I see this child rise out of the water like the Vampire Lestat NO lie, and has a completely RED mouth, chin, in fact all the way up to her/it's nose!!! Like she has been eating raw meat!! And then with a crazed look on her face, this evil child started swimming and splashing like a great big carnivorous crane!! Made me want to row that boat right down the river and into the sane arms of the rapids!



(Above picture: Crazy cranepire kid!)

We then headed on past Sven the Swede in his Speedo (say THAT fast 3 times!!) and headed on down towards the lovely downtown.

After a much needed and fantastic scenic boat ride with a good friend, we were coming to the end of our journey and lo and behold, ducks!! (I love ducks!!) I was trying to get a good picture of the duck when my friend started feeding it!! The pure joy one feels watching wild animals trust you for just that second, even if it is just for food! It was that simple pleasure one finds in animals.

And then there was my favorite duck, Speedy Gonduckas! After we started feeding the first two, you should have seen this little guy just come a blazing up the Bow towards us and the peanut buttery pretzels. The rest of the ducks come a sauntering up the Bow quack quacking their quacks towards us but nope not Speedy G! Ah poor lil guy must had some severe munchies!!

Another great, lazy day outdoors in what can be a beautiful city when summer decides to show up!!
And let's not forget Sven, and his little beach chair habitat in about the space of my closet!

-Lil One

Ramblings of Pleasures, Imaginations and the Small Things - August 8th, 2009

Deciding that I needed a small dose of the simple pleasures, I grabbed my camera and journal, jumped into the car and to head west to Big Springs Provincial Park (about 30km west of Airdrie.) With visions of an easy and scenic car drive I put on Ministry of Sound: Chilled II 1991-2009 (ambient/electronic/chill out style) and started driving. The trees a medley of luscious greens, like a garden salad, full of greens as deep as cucumbers, celery and fresh lettuces; butter, romaine. I was beginning to see how wonderful an evening of small things could truly be.

Anyone who knows me quite well knows that I take a lot of detours. Not purposeful or planned detours, oh no, purely accidental, internal GPS glitch type detours. Well this trip was no different! I of course could have sworn that there was a smaller type park between Airdrie and Symon Valley Road so once I passed Symon Valley I, in typical me fashion, begin to doubt that I am going the right way. So I of course find a road to turn around and then begin to drive back towards Airdrie, I then of course get close to where I started! Emitting a large sigh of exasperation (anyone who has driven with me enough knows the one) I turn around again and begin my drive west. 15mins later I then see the fabled blue provincial park signs, which reads 2KM left. I of course miss my turn because the turn was in about 1KM and the park was another 1KM down the road, equaling you got it, 2KM. I blame the GPS lady and her know it all voice. (Yes I admit the addiction!) I eventually arrive at the park 45mins after my departure, (a normal 15-20min drive) grab my camera and head into the park for a hike.

LET ME TELL YOU, the drama, a nagging GPS lady and the detours were all worth it!! I walked through the forest coming first upon a small waterfall and then rising directly behind it, a wall of majestic trees and vegetation. Randomly scattered across the park, flowers are peaking up their heads to get a glimpse of the sun . Blues, yellows, whites. Mushrooms growing so perfectly, their gills perfectly shaped, one of nature`s art pieces. I come to a large shark shaped rock, large and gray looming above my head. I imagine a Great White swimming down the greens of the forest, coming to rest at the perfect spot, just past the Great Wall of China meets the Lion King-esque `Elephant Graveyard` (where Simba almost gets eaten by Hyena`s,) no lie, I had to walk down this wall of skulls, er rocks ... to this little creek to get to the aforementioned shark. Gathering all my mettle in this little game of adventure I am playing in my head, I head up the path, climb up the rocks and sit right on top of JAW`s head.



It was here I contemplated all the little things, the game I played like I was a child again, hiking up to my fantastic sitting spot, the beautiful and I mean beautiful scenery, the friendly smiles along the hiking trail, and even the little kids running full out in their glorious innocence. Playing all sorts of imaginary games as they chased each other up and down the paths. The animals scurrying about, the birds watching me from up in their branches trying to set the camera timer, dart across the way, pose and hope I don`t blink and have to do it again game. I can only imagine what their thoughts.

Raven: Squawk squawk squeek! (Translation: Hey see that girl over there? She is bloody bonkers - I imagine the raven with an English accent, just FYI.)

Crow: Caw caw caaaaw! (Translation: Blimey, she`s def`nitely arsing around, bit of o` eejit that one. - I imagine the crow with an Irish accent just so ya know.)



It all made me feel quite wonderful to be honest, free somehow of all the dirt you pick up as an adult, the stresses, the worry, the anxiety. To let out a big breath, and let the weight of world fall off the shoulders, and remember, this is it. These are the days that make it all worthwhile. The freedom of being able to get in my car anytime I wish, drive to a natural beauty and just breath!

- Lil One

Welcome to Ponderment!

Come one! Come all! Welcome to the source of all my daily ponderings! Once a day (though I gather you probably knew that from the well, title of the blog, ahem...) I will post a daily ramble if you will, always with a picture of some sort. I hope they are amusing or at least semi-entertaining to you, or at the least, a nice coffee/nagging co-worker/angry bosses/crazy guy or girl problems/insert your own break.

And hey, if by chance you are one of those hopefully few (fingers crossed ha) people who don't think I am both witty and funny ;) just pretend for like the 2 minutes it takes you to comment that my post was hilarious and thought provoking all at once. Hey a white lie never hurt anyone right? ;)

In all seriousness, enjoy, comment or not comment and dare to ponder your next moment ...