Painful Writing

I find writing these days almost painful, like I am squeezing part of my life out through my pores. It used to be quite easy, words and thoughts almost pouring out too fast, my fingers couldn't keep up.

What do you think? Does writing get harder as one gets older or do our standards just get higher??

Ranting Myself into a Void - August 26, 2009

I feel like I am in the middle of a life shift. People are leaving my life, I am forcing some out and I am left in the void between. I wander around this life with a purpose, at least a purpose that the world thinks is right if you will, but lately it doesn't feel like it's my purpose. I feel these days that there is more to life than working, paying debt, working, paying more debt, paying car payments, phone bills, credit card bills, the taxman, working, sleep. Repeat.

Is there something more to life than this?? I took a drive today to a provincial park and took a short walk and watched the sunset. I felt content in the moments preceding the sunset and wondered aloud to myself if we could even live simply again if we tried?

The world is so complex now, so connected. Have you ever ignored or turned off your phone for more than 24hrs and not been asked "Where were you? What were you doing? I couldn't reach you. Why didn't you call me? etc. etc."

We are so connected today that I believe we are losing touch as human beings in relation to each other. We talk for hours texting, emailing, facebooking etc., that we lose touch, literally.

Sometimes I just feel like I am falling. But into a void, no crash landing to break my bones or take my life, just floating aimlessly with an an apparent aim through the void our modern life has caused.

And yes I know this is somewhat hypocritical considering I am a large 'geek' if you will. With my iPod, my laptop, my xbox etc. but I just feel like it needs to take a backseat to the simple pleasures. How many people read almost daily? Weekly even? Besides websites, magazines and work related material? How many read for the pure joy of a story? Not even 100 years ago, this was one of the main forms of entertainment and now most people are proud that they haven't read a book in years. How sad I feel for them? Not knowing the pure joy of being sucked into a world that is not your own, standing beside strong protagonists fighting their battles, mental or physical. Drifting out of 2009 and into 1943 or 1867 or even as far back as 100 B.C.

I realize there was no real thread or theme to this post, just a bunch of discontent mumblings trying to piece together why it is that I feel so apathetic, so lost, so loathe to take part at times. What is it that gives me my drive? What gives you yours? What makes the world a happier place? Can the world be a happier place?

I end my rambling, incoherent post with lyrics from Dave Matthews:

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle between
what we see and what we do
Well I'm not going to change my ways
just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round about
this merry-go-round and around
Well If at all God's gaze upon us falls
it's with a mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
our emotions can be swept away
Forget about being guilty
we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

Late at night with TV's hungry child
his belly swells
Well, for the price of a coke or a smoke
I could keep alive those hungry eyes
Man, take a look again, take a look again
Eveyday things change
Basically they stay the same


Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
our emotions can be kept at bay
Forget about being guilty
we are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
and your cup is overflowing
You seek up on emotion,
sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
for him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not
going, "Ha ha, ha ha"

(Say, oh say)

Oh look at me in my fancy car
and my bank account
Oh, how I wish I could take it all down
into my grave, God knows I'd save and save
Man, take a look again, take a look again
things you have collected, well in the end piles up
to one big nothing, one big nothing at all

Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
our emotions can be swept away
Intentions are not wicked, don't be tricked into thinking so
And soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
and your cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
for him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not
going, "Ha ha, ha ha"

Fall back again, fall back again
Fall back again, fall back again

Maybe "A Friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better ... " - August 19, 2009

Ever notice how when you are down in the doldrums, depressed and need a friend, a friend will generally want to be there (I say want loosely but that's another topic for another day ha) but if you are happy and just want to shout it out to the world or tell your friends, more would be less inclined to be there than inclined to it seems.Maybe it is like there is nothing to gain from it, or maybe it's the "well she/he/they are happy right now, not like they need me thought. Maybe it's a conscience thought, maybe not? Maybe I am way off base, BUT maybe there is a little truth to it?? Just saying ...


So with this thought in my head, I head off to the shower (as I just played soccer and am definitely not getting into bed in the condition I am in) and am about to clean my feet as the aforementioned soccer had well, they aren't clean let's say ha, and I notice that the bar in which you hold onto for your safety in the shower, is way low!! And let's face it, I am clearly not tall, not ever could you confuse me as such, so if I say it's too low, most people probably couldn't reach it without actually making the whole standing on a slippery service with water and soap (which well doesn't add grip) less safe. (See below picture, the shampoos etc. are about 3 inches below my shoulder. I now have a back spasm I partially blame on the shower. And let's face it, a lot blame on the Ultimate Frisbee last night plus 80mins of soccer tonight.)



I mean what gives??

- Lil One

Lungs and the Land of Nod - August 18, 2009

Well after much pleading and asking, I finally caved in to my friend and played Ultimate Frisbee today on her team as a sub today. And all I have to say is WOW am I ever out of shape. My strength is there, but I have absolutely no endurance and I am not even sure how I am still breathing, my cardio was so very, very VERY not present.

So that being said, after all the fun, beautiful fresh air and amazing sun (day 4 of summer weather here in Calgary) I bid you all goodnight and hit the sack. Tomorrow, I play soccer, so this very well could be my last post as my lungs will probably just decide to back out tomorrow when they realize I am running all night again.

Left Lung : Well here we are again. That doofus that contains us is about to run for another 50 minutes, what is she thinking here? We don't run now.

Right Lung: Not too sure here, wanna jet?

Left Lung: Yeah alright, I heard through the grapevine there are some pretty cool organ donors needed?

So I bid you adieu and head off to my beautiful and very comfy bed. Off to the land of Nod I go!!




- Lil One

I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do ... the day after - August 17, 2009

So I realized that I have been terribly lazy with my blog, always procrastinating till the last minute. So here I am writing again, and to be honest, I missed my blog, even as short as it has been around. Today I felt it absolutely crucial I pick up the pen, figuratively speaking that is, as I sit here typing this on a laptop. But nonetheless, here I am procrastinating on even starting an actual entry. Tis the Lil One style.

Today I write on a more somber note. I had a co-worker today who received some terrible news, that her mother only has 3 months to live. I have not in many years (13 to be exact) heard grief that real, that pained. It literally shook me to the core, I could feel her suffering deep within my heart. It made me realize life is so short, one second, you are sitting amidst all in your life, taking all you love for granted (sidenote: as we all do most days whether we think we do or not. Just assume that tomorrow, your friends and family will just be there for and with you, and tangent over.) and the next, with just one phone call, your life changes forever. Where no matter how hard you try, you cannot make sense of it, cannot understand how this could happen in your life. I doubt she will ever forget where she was when she first heard the news.



As Nietzsche said, "It is not so much the suffering as the senselessness of it that is unendurable."

So perhaps this is time for me to reflect^, that though there is much in my life right now I would change, perhaps I should count my blessings and be thankful that all my loved ones are still with me. And that perhaps life isn't quite the horror (or whore depending on your day) we imagine it is.

So take each day as it comes, try to breath in that air, tell all you love that you do love and appreciate them. (Yes I know, this is quite the little positive speech coming from me ha, but seriously.)

Cherish each moment with those you love, as life can pass by so quickly. A train speeding down a track in the middle of a mountain, green pine trees surrounding the dull iron, the rocky crags to the side. The night is a perfect black, the only sound the train`s lone whistle, the light from the engine is blurred as you stand and feel the lone messenger of the midnight hour.

Life is but a whisper, let the words flow!



- Lil One

Quick Random Driving Home Thought! - August 12, 2009

Today while driving home, a surreal thought pops into my head, what if I am not 27? I mean I know I am but you know, the thought that my insurance is cheaper, I can legally drink in all countries, I am an aunt. So weird being an aunt, I've always been the one ... well who had aunts. An odd tiny thought, but I couldn't shake it as the day went on, the fact I have been out of high school for 10 years coming up, that I have a career I can see direction to now. It feels almost eerie but I can see what I want to be when I grow up, at least for awhile anyhow.

Odd the thoughts that pop into your head while driving home on the back roads. That fresh air, beautiful scenery (the canola is blooming a very bright and gorgeous prairie yellow and the cows are out in droves munching their cuds full of grassy goodness!) - Lil One

Sometimes you need to look back - August 10th, 2009

Ever think that sometimes you need to just look back and reflect? Not dwell but remember that life hasn't been all that bad? I decided this past week I needed to remember the good things and some of the bad things and remember life is good and when it's not ..... well you need to get up, walk right up to the sorry bastard and kick him right in the balls!!

- Lil One

Ahoy!! Ducks and Blood Thirsty Children Ahead!!! - August 9, 2009

Well on Sunday, a friend and I decided to go rafting down the Bow seeing as the weather finally decided to man up and behave for at least the 3-4hrs we needed to float our way peacefully (and sometimes not so peacefully) down the river. So after we packed up two rafts, two coolers, two of the best chicks around and 2 oars into 2 cars (a day of 2's clearly), off we went from our town of Dodge to park car #1 at Prince's Island. 25mins later (and yup 1 detour) we arrived at Bowness park. After much spazzing around trying to inflate 2 (yup again) rafts and carry our stuff to the Bow from our far parking spot (well it wasn't that far),and our fighting with knots and 80 feet of rope, finally we were ready.

A dazzling afternoon, though hazy, with the mostly calm waters, lots of friendly rafters, we were settling in for a great afternoon.

Partway through we come across this "beach" and I definitely use the term losely with about 20 people packed on essentially a horizontal driveway. Why anyone would want to suntan and laze around on a driveway all day? You tell me!! Just as I go to forget about this crazy fake beach/driveway business, I see this child rise out of the water like the Vampire Lestat NO lie, and has a completely RED mouth, chin, in fact all the way up to her/it's nose!!! Like she has been eating raw meat!! And then with a crazed look on her face, this evil child started swimming and splashing like a great big carnivorous crane!! Made me want to row that boat right down the river and into the sane arms of the rapids!



(Above picture: Crazy cranepire kid!)

We then headed on past Sven the Swede in his Speedo (say THAT fast 3 times!!) and headed on down towards the lovely downtown.

After a much needed and fantastic scenic boat ride with a good friend, we were coming to the end of our journey and lo and behold, ducks!! (I love ducks!!) I was trying to get a good picture of the duck when my friend started feeding it!! The pure joy one feels watching wild animals trust you for just that second, even if it is just for food! It was that simple pleasure one finds in animals.

And then there was my favorite duck, Speedy Gonduckas! After we started feeding the first two, you should have seen this little guy just come a blazing up the Bow towards us and the peanut buttery pretzels. The rest of the ducks come a sauntering up the Bow quack quacking their quacks towards us but nope not Speedy G! Ah poor lil guy must had some severe munchies!!

Another great, lazy day outdoors in what can be a beautiful city when summer decides to show up!!
And let's not forget Sven, and his little beach chair habitat in about the space of my closet!

-Lil One

Ramblings of Pleasures, Imaginations and the Small Things - August 8th, 2009

Deciding that I needed a small dose of the simple pleasures, I grabbed my camera and journal, jumped into the car and to head west to Big Springs Provincial Park (about 30km west of Airdrie.) With visions of an easy and scenic car drive I put on Ministry of Sound: Chilled II 1991-2009 (ambient/electronic/chill out style) and started driving. The trees a medley of luscious greens, like a garden salad, full of greens as deep as cucumbers, celery and fresh lettuces; butter, romaine. I was beginning to see how wonderful an evening of small things could truly be.

Anyone who knows me quite well knows that I take a lot of detours. Not purposeful or planned detours, oh no, purely accidental, internal GPS glitch type detours. Well this trip was no different! I of course could have sworn that there was a smaller type park between Airdrie and Symon Valley Road so once I passed Symon Valley I, in typical me fashion, begin to doubt that I am going the right way. So I of course find a road to turn around and then begin to drive back towards Airdrie, I then of course get close to where I started! Emitting a large sigh of exasperation (anyone who has driven with me enough knows the one) I turn around again and begin my drive west. 15mins later I then see the fabled blue provincial park signs, which reads 2KM left. I of course miss my turn because the turn was in about 1KM and the park was another 1KM down the road, equaling you got it, 2KM. I blame the GPS lady and her know it all voice. (Yes I admit the addiction!) I eventually arrive at the park 45mins after my departure, (a normal 15-20min drive) grab my camera and head into the park for a hike.

LET ME TELL YOU, the drama, a nagging GPS lady and the detours were all worth it!! I walked through the forest coming first upon a small waterfall and then rising directly behind it, a wall of majestic trees and vegetation. Randomly scattered across the park, flowers are peaking up their heads to get a glimpse of the sun . Blues, yellows, whites. Mushrooms growing so perfectly, their gills perfectly shaped, one of nature`s art pieces. I come to a large shark shaped rock, large and gray looming above my head. I imagine a Great White swimming down the greens of the forest, coming to rest at the perfect spot, just past the Great Wall of China meets the Lion King-esque `Elephant Graveyard` (where Simba almost gets eaten by Hyena`s,) no lie, I had to walk down this wall of skulls, er rocks ... to this little creek to get to the aforementioned shark. Gathering all my mettle in this little game of adventure I am playing in my head, I head up the path, climb up the rocks and sit right on top of JAW`s head.



It was here I contemplated all the little things, the game I played like I was a child again, hiking up to my fantastic sitting spot, the beautiful and I mean beautiful scenery, the friendly smiles along the hiking trail, and even the little kids running full out in their glorious innocence. Playing all sorts of imaginary games as they chased each other up and down the paths. The animals scurrying about, the birds watching me from up in their branches trying to set the camera timer, dart across the way, pose and hope I don`t blink and have to do it again game. I can only imagine what their thoughts.

Raven: Squawk squawk squeek! (Translation: Hey see that girl over there? She is bloody bonkers - I imagine the raven with an English accent, just FYI.)

Crow: Caw caw caaaaw! (Translation: Blimey, she`s def`nitely arsing around, bit of o` eejit that one. - I imagine the crow with an Irish accent just so ya know.)



It all made me feel quite wonderful to be honest, free somehow of all the dirt you pick up as an adult, the stresses, the worry, the anxiety. To let out a big breath, and let the weight of world fall off the shoulders, and remember, this is it. These are the days that make it all worthwhile. The freedom of being able to get in my car anytime I wish, drive to a natural beauty and just breath!

- Lil One

Welcome to Ponderment!

Come one! Come all! Welcome to the source of all my daily ponderings! Once a day (though I gather you probably knew that from the well, title of the blog, ahem...) I will post a daily ramble if you will, always with a picture of some sort. I hope they are amusing or at least semi-entertaining to you, or at the least, a nice coffee/nagging co-worker/angry bosses/crazy guy or girl problems/insert your own break.

And hey, if by chance you are one of those hopefully few (fingers crossed ha) people who don't think I am both witty and funny ;) just pretend for like the 2 minutes it takes you to comment that my post was hilarious and thought provoking all at once. Hey a white lie never hurt anyone right? ;)

In all seriousness, enjoy, comment or not comment and dare to ponder your next moment ...