Batman had a dual personality problem too ya know

I know, I know! I haven't exactly done 30 days all in a row. BUT I still will post 30 I promise, hopefully before 2010!!

I feel like Bruce Wayne torn between two paths in life, two faces, two sides, two groups of close confidantes. If I reveal my two sides to any one person, life becomes more difficult, harder, less good even. So like Batman hurt in his more personal side of life, I retreat, become almost hermit like. Ironic even, because it is now that I live in a small, cramped and particularly "cold" cave.

Why this sudden dramatic take on my life you ask? Simply, I have no fucking idea!!! It comes and it goes, waves crashing down on my shores, and more than often these days, taking me out. I come back up always later, and the I am fine and dandy and then out of nowhere, CRASH and it of course being a wave!!

So lately I have been trying to make the wave's job harder. Sooooo ... I have been trying to take control of my life, one area in particular: Not feeling like I have to say yes

This afternoon:

I realized that I took control in a small area and it made me feel kinda proud, happy. You see, I am off every second Friday and on this last particular Friday I checked my work email from home. I saw that a colleague, whom I get along with just fine, and like for sure, had asked a favour. It was not an urgent favour nor one that could not be performed by at least two others in the department. Had this been a month ago, I would have gone and got my fob, logged into the program from home and helped. But this past Friday, nope I sure did not go and get my fob, no siree, (always wanted to post no siree) I said: sorry I am off work, gave two names that could assist and then proceeded to log off.

I realize that this seems like slow progress but it is progress nonetheless so I suppose I should be happy and see this as positive. Hard for an impatient crab such as me!

Later the same day....

Then I am home and searching Facebook and see a status that makes me smile and then makes me sad at the same time. I won't say too much on a public forum, just that I miss the "old days" a bit and I KNOW I need to move on, and I am (slowly) but it still hurts, still makes me feel sad, lonely, like I lost my best friend.

I am not sure why I felt the need to discuss my Batman-esque moods of the day. Perhaps it was the need to let my emotions loose, their waves of energy flying into the screen and instead of into my soul, perhaps I can let go, at least start to anyhow, through my words, whether they be on this flat screen staring me back in the face, or in my almond coloured, beautifully soft journal. They could be the start to a healing process.